Red by Night, Cellophane by Day
by gopherwhote
Summary: My take on the origins of a particular unnamed character in VPM: I've FINISHED! The mysterious character whose origins I've speculated on is REVEALED! For those who love PEEPS/hate Shiina/Love me. The last has not been evaluated by the Food&Drug Admin.
1. The introducing the character part

I don't know about this one....I just don't know. Though while I constantly ingest coffee at an alarming rate (which is probably why I'm eighteen, 5'2" and 92 pounds dear LORD WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME NO MATTER WHAT I EAT....) Oh um sorry. I have issues with myself. Never take fat for granted. It's so much easier to be too large than too skinny. *Anyway*, on the sugar note, I just wanted to see what sort of phlegm my brain would expel if I ate the pixie sticks which have mysteriously emerged in my house and drank more than my two cups at a time coffee limit.......Here it is. Note that the normally disjointed style I've adopted is gone from this author's note, as I wrote it after I came back down to earth. And as a fun fact, pixie sticks make urination surprisingly fun, as fun as something like that can be. And oh yes, this is just something I have to do:  
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! MIGHTY GOD I'M AN ADULT FFFFFFFUCK HOW DID THAT HAPPEN SOMEONE SSSSAVE MEEEEEE!!!!!!!  
Ok, I'm done now. Here's this thing I have. And oh yes, if you don't leave a review after you read it, I'll take it down. (oh the threatyness of that threat)  
Here we go kids.....sorry this note was so long. Someone hit me, I'm stuck......  
I'm not completely sure this has anything to do with the actual series.....  
  
Vlakri, the eternal Vampyre Scourge, scuttled along the alleyways of a small suburban town, silently chuckling to himself at the never-waning and often appalling stupidity of the human race.  
"FFFFFFUCKING humans, don't kn-n-now what the hell they've *nyugh* GOT most of the time SSSSSSSWWWEEET GEEE-HU-ZUS!!!!!!"   
(I think he's got turret's syndrome).   
He panted, opening his clutched fist to examine what was lying in the center of one sweaty palm. "T-t-t-t-tEN CENTS for a pair of .............GOD ALMIGHTY ohIthinkI'mgonna......UNGH!!!!! ...... *GORGEOUS* SHOELACES!!!!!! WOW!!!"   
(I'm not sure what's going through his mind right now....he's a rather mysterious fellow really.....real creepy like.....heh, I almost wrote crappy...)   
He giggled to himself, rubbing his forearms in an attempt to get rid of some of his pent-up euphoria.   
He spied a set of stairs running underground, leading to a now-vacant subway tunnel, empty because of the late hour. He scuttled down the steps, stopping several times for air, and speeding up several times due to the fact that he was falling down them. Once he had rather violently and rapidly reached the bottom, he scuttled over   
(he does that a lot, don't he?)   
to one of the tall columns set at random intervals, supposedly holding the ceiling up. Though if it wasn't up, it probably wouldn't be the ceiling anymore. Maybe the floor is just a ceiling that didn't have any of those nifty columns to hold it up....but we digress.  
We are following the story of the unfortuantly named Vlakri, who had been born rather painfully to a severely confused man six hundred years earlier. Though not born Vlakri, he had adopted the name, after spending several mildly disturbing years going by his birth name, AAAAAAAAAAAAGHH!!!!!!! He was slight and fair at birth, and stayed that way throughout his life until the time of his death, which came when he had committed the unthinkable crime of offering his parasol to a rather foreboding gentleman in the rain, suggesting he might walk the gentleman home.   
The crime, rather than the fact that he had offered the parasol, was that he had been wearing matching women's attire, confusing and frustrating the man once he had found no boobies to grope, even after a rather extensive search.   
The man had then latched on to poor Vlakri's neck, making him even more slight and pale. The man had kept Vlakri locked in a room for several months, only unlocking the door to admit himself, in order to feed off Vlakri and refer to him as 'pixie'. This continued until Vlakri discovered a rather large and rather open window about two feet to the right of a large hole in the wall. He used the only furnishing in the room, an orange Mr. T shirt   
(yes, it's still the seventeenth century. What, you didn't know Mr. T was immortal? Foolish mortals....I pity da foo....Foo'ish mortals?)  
to break the window  
(yes, I did say it was open. Hey, don't blame him, he has turret's, remember? Bunch of coldhearted......)   
and make his rather feeble escape. Feeble because it gave him such a rush of freedom that he went back and did it several times, and it had grown rather weak after the fourth time. He had spent the next four hundred years walking down the street, which after some time had grown a subway, which he recently secreted himself in to snigger at his new shoelaces, blood red, which gave him such immeasurable pleasure.  
  
Notice the time inconsistency? YOU SHOULD HAVE! Want to know if this actually has a point, is going somewhere, isn't just a mackerel rotting in the bottom of a forgotten boathouse next to Silver Lake? GOOD! I'll update then! After you review and I get turret's syndrome for my senior project...................................................................................................................................................(you're think raisins right about now, aren't you?).................................................................................................................................(or maybe rabbit poop? You sick, sick urchins.....you need me to update 'Let's All Kill Himiko, don't you? It would make it all better........yesssss........)..................................(mmmm).............................(rabbit poo)................. 


	2. The introducing the action sequence part

Here we go again kids. Notice the plot development in this one, or try to, since there's not much of it. And I love you too, Miyu, oh faithful reader of my mind-sphincter excuses for writings.......  
Now review or you don't get no puddin'  
  
Vlakri slid sweatily to the ground, leaning against a nearby column, the last vestiges of the previous four minute's mad laughter echoing through the vacant subway tunnel. He slid one foot closer to him to undo his current gray shoelaces, in order to make room for his most GLORIOUS new treasure he had found at his local thrift store. After doing up one set, amidst several sweaty pauses and quiet maniacal giggling, he scooted his other foot closer to him in order to do the second. Upon completion of his task, he sat basking in the radiant vision his red-on-black sneakers gave him. For all intensive purposes, he looked like a normal twelve year old boy, though slightly paler than the normal living prepubescent male, with unusually blonde hair that looked almost silver under the fluorescent lights of the tunnel. That was with the exception of his crimson eyes. At the moment, they were burning with the fierce intensity most normal boys' eyes reserve for looking at naughty pictures. Vlakri was so delighted and satisfied with his purchase....he would just have to go and kill someone!  
"Yessssss......." he hissed quietly to himself. He prepared to make himself upright, but was hampered by the fact that his shoes slipped in the rather large puddle of saliva that had grown under him. ""DDDDDAAAAAAAAAMN IT! WHY LORD, WHY HAVE THOU FORSAKEN ME SO?"  
(That really should be 'hast thou', but you can't really expect him to have proper grammar, you know, poor turreted thing that he is)  
He stalked away from his glee puddle rather forcefully, as the humiliation of slipping in his own bodily secretions had fueled him with not-so-righteous anger. He slopped rather obscenely to the staircase and rocketed up them.  
(No, that's not a phallic reference. What's wrong with you?)  
He rocketed back down them again, then back up, because redundancy is funny. He thrust his hands deep into his warm, moist pockets,  
(I'm surrounded by perverts. Don't try to pretend that -that- didn't come to mind. Yeah you know what I'm talking about.....and it's not Taco Bell)  
then strolled down the street, searching for the perfect victim. His eye caught the familiar red and blue flashing lights of an ambulance, and he scuttle curiously closer.   
(Curiouser and curiouser.....)  
The victim was just being covered by the tell-tale white sheet, which was already becoming mottled as the fresh blood soaked into it. This excited Vlakri's senses almost as much as his pockets had excited the readers.  
(You know it's true, you masses of vixen you)  
The crowds around the body were already dissipating, since staring at the spot where something had happened isn't quite as fun as staring at the same spot when something is actually still happening.  
(Just think of that floor thing earlier. Use the same logic...yeah, there you go. That's the spot....)  
The vampire growled deep in his throat. The murder would make everyone wary and on edge, creating in them the desire the take the extra steps necessary to not be killed, such as staying indoors. Vlakri's high would dissipate without his evening receiving the climax of the hunt.   
(Hee hee, I said hunt)  
His dark line of thought was shattered and his hopes lifted as he heard a muffled sob behind him, in an unusually dark alley. He grinned inwardly.  
(That gives me dirty pictures.....so wrong....but don't you all be troubled! I didn't mean it literally!)  
"A victim! I smile!"   
(Note: talking to yourself is dumb. I talk to myself. Ask Kyheena....I usually don't do it in front of other people, but I was over at her house making cute little gingerbread houses, and I guess I started talking to mine, eliciting rather confused stares from her and her little sister. Hi Ken-doll! But anyways, now she knows my dark secret....damn her all to hell. Anyway. Read her stuff, it's good. But read mine too. Or just review. Oh wait, you are reading mine. Or rather, you would be if I got back to writing it. Ok here we go.....)  
Bum bum bum!  
(That has nothing to do with the story)  
He adopted a slouching casual pose and decided to forego his usual scuttle in favor of a more casual saunter. He didn't want his victim's heart beating too fast, too soon before the feeding....it thinned out the blood and made it taste like those nasty little 'house sauces' they gave out at Wendy's....blaugh. Not that he sucked on those often.  
(The packets, not Wendys. Did you know the name 'Wendy' didn't exist until it was published in 'Peter Pan'? Course you did!)  
He came to his quarry, a small, prepubescent girl clutching an old rag doll in the crook of one elbow as she used both fists to scrub away the adorable little tears spilling out of her eyes and down her lightly furred cheeks.  
(What? There's nothing wrong with her, everyone's got lightly furred cheeks...and of course I mean the ones on her face you raging PERVS!)  
"Hi there little girl..." Vlakri threw out casually.  
(He's trying to be casual)  
The girl started and peered up at him with moon-dark eyes, clearly a bit frightened around the edges.   
(I wish people had edges. That would make them so much more fun)  
"What's your name?" Vlakri asked, kneeling down and putting a companionable hand on the girl's shoulder.  
"....Alice."   
Vlakri mock-frowned, pretending to mull that over. "Alice, eh? That's a pretty nam-AUUW GOD!!"   
(Did you forget about the turret's?)  
Vlakri spasmed to his feet, throwing his head about.  
(And it's even still attached to his shoulders, too!)  
He shook himself, regaining his casual air, and squatted once again to be eye-level with the now more than a bit frightened Alice.  
"Sorry Alice. I uh.. saw a cockroach."  
(You're thinking about phalluses again, aren't you?)  
"Mmm.....kay." Alice appeared to accept this.  
A look of concern overcame Vlakri's features, of course fake, since it's hard to be concerned for the safety of someone you were planning on killing in a rather disagreeable fashion. "And how old are you, Alice?"  
"Six."  
(What? I didn't say how 'pre' prepubescent she was. What, you'd think a twelve year old would carry around a doll and cry? Phhh...sucks to your ass-mars)  
"Don't you think that's a bit young to be wandering the streets by yourself?"  
If Vlakri had been able to glance into her head, the rather uncharacteristic phrase of 'Thanks for the newsflash asswipe' would have startled him.  
(Did it startle you?)  
Once again tears welled up in Alice's eye. "My mommy...I can't find my mommy...she *sob* said she was going into the store, and she said I should wait for her, and she *sob* said she'd be...she promised she'd be *sob* right b-"  
(She's actually sobbing, not just saying the word 'sob' at inconvenient intervals)  
Vlakri held up a hand to forestall her. "Don't worry, Alice. I saw your mother." He thought back to the figure under the sheet. "Yeah, I saw her. I met her when I was coming out of the subway. She said she was looking for a little girl...yeah, she described you to a tee."   
(Tee? Tea? T? Ti? WHAT THE HELL DO I KNOW?!?)  
He straightened, and his visage became a little less severe. "C'mon, I'll take you to her."  
"Did you wee yourself?"  
Vlakri jerked in surprise, staring at the spit stain adorning his pants where he had earlier been gleeing on himself.  
(You RAGING PERVERTS!)  
"Uh...your mom did that."  
"My mommy peed on you?" Alice squinted in thought. "Yeah, she does that to people."  
Vlakri raised his eyebrow. "N...no, she just thought I was a bad man, and hit me with some Crystal Geyser natural alpine spring water."  
(Yum!)  
Vlakri smiled at Alice and spread his arms. "But then she saw that I wasn't, and said sorry, and asked about you. She looked real worried like and FFFFFFFUCK RATPISS-!!!!!!"  
(Maybe he's just pretending. I've actually met someone with turret's, and they never said that. Hmmm....he's a shifty character, ain't he?)  
Alice drew back slightly. Vlakri shook his head to clear it, and regained his happy smile. "So let's go find her!"  
Alice slipped her small, delicate hand into his. "Kay!"  
Vlakri slipped out of the mouth of the alley, Alice in tow, and moved steadily back to the subway, the one place he could count on to be empty, since he was just there and all...  
(Redundancy is funny. Laugh!)  
He supposed spilling someone else's bodily secretions on the floor would make up for his earlier embarrassment.  
"Come on, Alice! Mommy's waiting!"  
  
Bum bum bum! (That's actually part of the story this time). Well kids, the next part is violent and bloody and most likely filled with innocent and plot-developing devices that you frumps will take for dirty, dirty thoughts, you little devils you. Part three, the blatantly violent part, is next!  
(Because part four the interesting plot-developing part isn't next. It's after three, silly. You learn something new every day. Ok, now review)  
And for all of you who are wondering how this ties into Vampire Miyu, you'll have to wait for part five. That's the good part. The part that'll make you shiver like you've got a pantload of Ramen. See ya kids. 


	3. The gory 'now we're getting somewhere' p...

Vlakri started down the steps, not rocketing this time   
(Keeping up with this casual trip he's on right now)  
but moving faster than six year old legs are accustomed to, due to his excitement. He pulled Alice the rest of the way down the steps, grabbing her shoulders and pushing her rather forcefully into one of those recurring columns he seems to be so obsessed with.  
(He does, doesn't he?)  
"Now, Alice...." He drew her name out in a rather obscene hiss. "Since I helped you, why don't you do a little something for me...?"  
"L-Like what?"" Alice unconsciously drew her rag doll a bit closer to her face.  
He gently pried it away from her. "Just close your eyes and stay qui-"  
"Hey!" An unexpected fury blazed up in the little girl's eyes. "That's MINE!"  
Vlakri casually strolled a circle around Alice, which was kind of dumb, since her back was to a column. "Oh yes, I can see that. Much loved indeed. Indeedy-doody. Doody doody SHIT FUCK AAUUUUG!!!!" Vlakri clutched both of the doll's arms, spasming about and threatening to tear the thing in two.  
"SSSSSSTOP! Stoppit you BASTARD!!"  
Vlakri halted in surprise. "What?"  
"Please?" Alice asked sweetly, retreating into small six year old girl angst mode.  
Vlakri knelt down next to her, eyes narrowing in suspicion. "And if I don't?" He brought the doll up so Alice's wide eyes were level to the doll's button ones, still holding its arms, straining the seams. "If I pulled a bit too...*hard*?!" He gave the doll's already taut arms an extra pull, splitting the sad, smiling face in two.  
"NOOOOO!!!"   
Vlakri threw back his head and laughed, then choked on his own spit, coughed, and continued laughing. His laughter was cut off abruptly, as laughter is prone to do when sixty pounds of flying flesh is rammed into one's diaphragm.   
(Chunky thing, ain't she? I don't know what the normal weight for six year olds is, I just know I was about twenty pounds lighter at her age. Wee!)  
*The authoress takes a break to get more coffee*  
*The authoress is back*  
Vlakri rolled for a few confusing feet before pushing himself up on his elbows enough to see the girl, Alice, standing over him, fists clenched and elbows level at her sides, in a fighting stance. Her eyes were glowing red, of all things. "YOU WILL DIEEEEEEE!!!! Slowly and PAINFULLY, I might add!"  
"Aw shit."  
Alice's arms dropped, and a disgusted look overtook her features. "Aw shit?! What kind of sentiment is that when faced with what is obviously a SCAAARRRY VAAAAMPIIIIIRE SCOUUUURGE!! BOOOOOOO HUAGHH AAHHHH!!!!!" All her Halloween scary noises didn't seem to be impressing him, and she crumpled again. "What are you, a Buffy fan? Aren't I scary?"  
"You would be, if you weren't so LAME!" Vlakri pushed himself to his feet and dusted his ass absently.  
(I don't really feel like being funny right now)  
"Lame? Lame?! LAME?!" Alice was trying to work herself up into a terrify fury again, but this annoying prick had spoiled her mood.  
"Lame!" Vlakri shot back. He bent to swipe half the doll off the ground. "And what kind of scourge carries a DOLL?"  
"I likes it! AND STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT, MORTAL! YOU WILL-!"  
"Mortal? Mortal!? Why the hell do you think I'm wearing SUNGLASSES at night?!  
(He is, you know)  
What sort of lame macho fag frrrrrreeeea-AUUGHH!!!" Vlakri tremored over to one of those good ol' columns and bashed his head against it. "-FREAK wears sunglasses at night?" To demonstrate that he wasn't aforementioned macho fag freak   
(What kind of oxy-moronish insult is that?)  
he removed his sunglasses and revealed his equally lit-up crimson eyes to the girl-vampire.  
"Aw shit."  
Vlakri tossed the doll disdainfully at her feet. "Exactly. And what the HELL were you doing with ME? Were you hunting me?" Realization dawned on him. "That woman...that was you?"  
Alice grinned, finally revealing her cute little fangs.   
(Ain't they just?)  
"Heh heh, yeah...See, my gig is this. I pretend to be this cute little lost girl, and when someone comes up to help me, I get them.   
(And she ain't talking Christmas presents, neither)  
That woman thought she was taking be back to mommy too...."  
"Amatuer."  
Alice glared at Vlakri. "Oh, like YOUR system is so much better. Yeah, the old 'lure them to a dark abandoned place and drain them' kick. Very original."  
"You want an original kick? I'll smash that little jailbait face of yours, you insert original insult here!"  
(I am tho thmart)  
"Oh VERY GOOD," Alice sneered.   
"Are you using SARCASM with me?!?" Vlakri screeched in high tenor.  
(Nuthin' worse)  
"No, that was an honest compliment, you RAGING FUCKING MORON!"  
Vlakri calmed instantly. "Oh...ok, thanks! But if that's true, why did you just insult me there? That wasn't very-"  
Alice sighed and took the liberty of shooting a three foot tall blast of virulent green energy straight through Vlakri's chest cavity. The force of the blast knocked him off his feet, and sent him flying ten feet down the brown and white tiles, leaving small chunks of melting flesh and a fresh smear of crimson-black blood in his wake. Vlakri twitched on the floor tiles once he came to a rest, arms akimbo.  
(Really REEEALLY do hate that damn phrase. Oh well, what the hell).  
Alice sneered, more triumphantly this time, and spun to pick up the vestiges of her doll. Thankfully  
(Or rather not, since she's a bad thing, and we don't want things to go right with her, do we?)  
the small, sewn packet residing in the heart of the doll was intact, taking up the chest cavity and gray with age. She smiled as the last rattling gurgle in Vlakri's throat died down, as he presumably choked on his own blood. Fabulous.   
(And fitting too, might I add)  
  
So kids, izee dead? Is he McDonald's, or that tasty almost-meat they give you at Taco Bell? Am I just whistling dixie? I love reviews. I do. Please give me one. I will love you. Really. Just not in the way you want you little....wait, no, redundancy isn't all that funny after all. Oh well. But hey, you can review all the chapters and it'll never get old! Weeee! Hey, ho, whipoo! Whoopi! Wee! (woo) 


	4. The 'point of action but not really' par...

I'M ALIVE! Actually I'm just conscious. That doesn't necessarily guarantee life. But I'm writing, and it'd take a wiser head than mine to say whether that's a good thing. We're getting close to the Miyu connection, kids! And now here's a cast of sick, sick people who keep me from spontaneously mutating into a weird pickly-like fruit thing...uh yeah. Here they are, the people I love most!  
Thank you to:  
Princess Licorice: Don't worry, the connection is coming! Next chapter, in fact! Thanks by the way  
Ben: You went to Sadies with me you sick, sick man. Thanks for suffering through the contents of my mind for more than the time you SOLD to me! AHAHAH.....ha.....  
Miyu: AHA! You're the one who said she looks like the Pepsi kid! You are so right. And fantastic! I love you!  
And in case anyone wanted to know, I never did wash my desk. Sad....  
And to everyone who read this and didn't review: I have no idea who you are. Fear me! I am mystery! Or rather, you are. I'd like to acknowledge all who read these things, whether they enjoyed them or not. Leave a contribution in the box, please. Even if it is an anonymous flame or the number 9...I like 9....  
I also like flames, so send those too! Better than the paranoia inducing silence that makes me wonder if humanity as a whole has left their computer desks to light torches and congregate on my lawn to lynch me....what? It happens!  
So anyway. Onwards  
  
Alice rested her fingers on the packet, drawing comfort from it's presence, and sighed, closing her eyes and absorbing the power the earth within it held, the earth from her homeland, necessary for her survival. Without it she would die.  
(Crucial plot point, no?)  
She would die a horrible and involved death. A very bad, painful death.  
(Good thing it's ok then, right?)  
A scraping gurgle  
(Huh?)   
came from behind her. Her eyes shot open and she spun around to see Vlakri, on his elbows and glaring balefully at her. She bared her teeth menacingly at him.  
(That never menaces me. How about anyone else? I'm really curious)  
"You're still alive?!"  
(We get the quick ones through here)  
Vlakri's head connected with the concrete.  
(Aww, he banged his head)  
He whipped it up to stare at her. "Well so to SPEAK! Hellooooo? I AM immortal? Like you? Yes? Yes? Yes?"  
"Yes yes!" Alice frowned peevishly at him. "I guess I'll just have to cut your head off or something...."  
Vlakri straightened fully, letting Alice see the knife he had drawn that had been previously hid by his body. "Not if I get you f.....-F-F-F-F-FART!!!"  
"Huh?"  
"FIRST! Not if I get you FIRST!"  
"Oh. You really should get medical attention."  
"ARUUGH!" Without further ado, Vlakri lunged howling at Alice.  
(Is that battle rage or just the turrets syndrome again?)  
She dodged easily, due to the fact that she had the body of a six year old and had practiced for this moment with seemingly innocent games of tag.  
(?)  
She sidestepped hurriedly, Vlakri's knife missing his mark by several inches to the left. Alice slid around it like a snake, but neglected to notice Vlakri's right hand, which darted out, snatching her precious doll.  
"NOOOO!"  
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Vlakri threw back his head and cackled in triumph. While he was so occupied, Alice snatched her doll back. Vlakri hurriedly grabbed it and ran up the steps, pursued more slowly by the shorter-legged Alice.  
"Damn it....." she panted, still pursuing Vlakri around a corner. "This wouldn't be happening if SOMEBODY hadn't revealed what an important plot device that doll was...."  
(sorry)  
Alice smiled. "Thank you!"  
(No I'm not!)  
Alice tripped on a conveniently placed dead puppy and, inexplicably, went sailing sixteen feet to crash head-first into a wall, earning herself a more-than strictly necessary amount of pain.  
"Ooooowwwwww." She got to her stubby feet  
(Stop glaring at me, stubby)  
her stubby, malformed, and hideously oversized feet, using one grotty and ill-used hand to push herself up against the wall.  
(I said stop glaring at me. Doll-carrying weirdo)  
She used her beady, protruding eyes to peer around for the now-absent Vlakri, but she had a hard time, her eyes being nearly enveloped by folds of quivering, translucent forehead blubber.  
(What?! Hey, I DID say she looked like the Pepsi kid, didn't I? Or wait, that was someone else, wasn't it? Well, person, you were extremely perceptive. That's exactly who she's supposed to look like.)  
Anyway  
(anyway)  
Alice slowly stalked around a corner, for now vengeful adjectives forgotten, desperately looking for the doll that held the one key to her survival.  
(Ha ha. Stupid Pepsi kid)  
She stalked into the store the dead woman had been carted away from earlier, hoping Vlakri, keeping in line with the level of intelligence he seemed to posses up to this point, would have hid here, where all the light was.  
(Cuz he's dumb kids. It wasn't really turrets syndrome after all)  
She put on her 'I'm so cute don't you want to punch my tiny teeth in' look, and folded her hands behind her and smiling all she was worth, flashing her dimple  
(I could have said pimple, but I'm not feeling particularly vengeful at the moment)  
at the cashier on duty, the only other living soul present in the small store. She skipped happily down the aisles, actually on a death mission, when she heard a small metallic 'thudd' noise rhythmically filter through the store. She turned the corner to see Vlakri in front of the beer freezer, repeatedly bashing himself in the face with a can of Red Bull  
(Just because he can)  
Alice rushed forward  
(Heh heh, I made a pun! Get it? 'Cause he can? Can? Get it? Stop glaring at me, stubby)  
and snatched her doll before he could gather whatever small amount of brain cells God had allotted him at birth. Vlakri continued bashing himself across the face  
(Because he could)  
as Alice slowly snuck backwards. She wasn't about to risk a confrontation. Too much was at stake, even if her victory was practically guaranteed. She clutched her doll to her chest to restore her reserves, just in case the seemingly endlessly entertaining activity of self-mutilation lost it's charm. Suddenly both her eyes and mouth began to froth  
(And some other orifices too. I dunno, use your imagination)  
and she was suddenly experiencing great pain. She shrieked and thrust the doll from her. Something caught her eye, and she pulled on the exposed corner poking out of the doll's ripped open chest cavity. "SALT?! SALT?!?"  
"Hey, I'm supposed to be the brutally retarded one here."  
Alice's head whipped up to deliver a malicious glare at Vlakri leaning casually against the freezer, the seemingly endless activity of self-mutilation forgotten, holding the stolen gray packet in his hand, empty of it's contents.  
"Where is my PRECIOUS SOIL?!"  
Vlakri grinned a dirt-studded smile. "Dunno."  
"BASTARD!!!!"  
The cashier, whose name just happened to be Bosterd  
(Huh huh, how clever I am)  
glanced up from his girly magazine. "Huh?"  
Alice turned from glaring at Vlakri to glare at him. "Not you, you IDIOTIC, INSOLENT- hey are those Peeps?"  
(Oh come on, everyone knows what Peeps are. They're those sugar-coated marshmallow bunnies and chicks that come in obscene colors every Easter. Fun stuff!)  
Bosterd nodded his sandy-colored and pimply head. "$8.99 a box"  
Alice skipped over and shined her 'I'm so cute you'd better get a barf-bag quick' smile at him. "I'll take one, please and thank you."  
Vlakri was making almost-genuine retching noises behind a cupped hand  
(He had seen her smile, after all)  
and laughing to his brutally retarded self. Alice tore open the package of frighteningly pink bunnies and bit one's head off, dropping the box and spitting it back into her hand.  
(Symbolic, though you probably don't know that at this point. And rather gross if you think about it)  
Vlakri had finished with his gagging, and stood with arms folded, grinning his dirty grin at Alice. "That's real scary, Alice. Real scary."  
Alice lowered her head. "I know. The symbolism is frightening."  
Vlakri frowned. "Hey yeah, that was rather symbolic, wasn't- um, what are you doing?"  
Alice stood gathering her remaining energy into focused orbs that enveloped her hands, holding the Peep  
(Hee hee, so cute!)  
head floating between them. The brightly colored sugar had been partially sucked off, so rather than a blinding and searing pink, it was now a muted pastel rose. One of it's eyes had been nicked with a fang, so instead of the unnaturally colored black Peep eye, there was a large rent, showing the white marshmallow underneath.  
(Not too threatening, you would think...)  
Vlakri pointed in confusion to what she was doing. "Um....you're not going to try and kill me with that, are you? 'Cause it won't work."  
Alice glared, and the glare of what she was doing soon overshadowed the murderous intent in her eyes. Vlakri began to get a trifle nervous, and unconsciously backed into the counter display, which happened to be a serious of green glow-in-the-dark rosaries, complete with crucifix. Vlakri whirled and snatched it off it's rack, holding it grandly at arm's length at Alice. "Back, demon! Back you Vampire!"  
There was a mild hissing, and Vlakri dropped the crucifix hurriedly. "OWWWWW OW OW!!" He shook and blew on his burned hand, not noticing that while he had been thus occupied, Alice's ball of energy had reached chaotic proportions. He glanced up just in time to see her rear back, ready to release.  
"Aw shit"  
The light enveloped all.  
  
WEEE!! I'm back! Whoooo missed me? The next chapter's the last one! I'm actually going to finish a multi-chapter story! My eyes would tear up if I wasn't a handbasket. That's right kids, I'm a handbasket! And if any of you make the obvious joke, I guess you're going for a ride in me. No, wait, that was ragingly perverted. And what's worse, I don't even know if ragingly is even a real word. Oh well. Thanks again to those who are about to review. You can review each chapter, I don't mind!  
(Can any of you guess who the mysterious character is? I think it may be obvious, but I wanna see you guess. Kyheena, no giving it away. 


	5. The final 'WOW THAT'S who it was' part!

Last chapter! And this one has the Miyu connection!  
  
Vlakri blearily opened his eyes, which felt scratchy and oddly distorted. He didn't know how long he had been unconscious, but Alice was still standing over him, unhurriedly eating the last of the Peeps. There had been twenty-four of them altogether.  
(I smell a-pukin' coming on)  
Her lips were painted that oh-so-special pink the bunnies had been coated with. Vlakri glared at her and sat up. Or at least, he tried to.  
Something was wrong with his waist. It wouldn't bend properly. He tried to glance down to see what the problem was, but his neck wouldn't bend either.   
(Got any idea who he is? Huh? Huh?)  
"What did you do to-" He stopped his harangue at the squeak that emanated from his face. "Is..is that my voice? Is that MY voice?" His already considerably bulbous eye bulged. "You turned me into a CIRCUS MIDGET! BASTARD!"  
The coincidentally named cashier turned to stare at him oddly.  
Alice cackled in his general direction. "Ahahaahahahaaha you PEEP!"  
Bosterd hung his head ashamedly. Alice sighed dramatically and rolled her eyes. "Not YOU. Him." This was accompanied by a rude finger pointed at Vlakri.  
Vlakri stared in horror. "I'm a PEEP?"  
Alice flashed her rosy teeth at him. "Neat, huh?"  
"Nooooooooooooo!" Vlakri's squeal of terror was rather cute in his new voice. He stopped to sniff experimentally at his arm. "I don't SMELL like a Peep."  
"Well, you see," Alice explained. "I didn't turn you COMPLETELY Peep. You're still flesh. I just needed you in an easily ingestable form. You see, the soil that is currently within you came from my homeland, and is key to my survival. Without it I will die a horrible death. A horrible, involved, immensely painful death."  
"So I was told..  
(Stop glaring at me, Pepsi child)  
But that doesn't explain why you Peeped me."  
(Hee hee, so cute!)  
Alice rolled her eyes again. Bosterd was beginning to glare at her. He had a homicidal dislike for painfully cute children, having never been one himself and having a severe dislike for Alf.  
(For some reason she reminds him of Alf. What? I don't make the rules....Oh wait, I do. Ahahahaha!)  
"Well, you see," Alice explained. "I need that dirt. Without I will die a horrible, involved, painful death."   
(Redundancy is still funny, kids)  
Vlakri tried to nod agreement, but possessing no neck, he merely wiggled across the floor. "So in order to retrieve it, I had the bright idea of assimilating you with the Peep, whereas I just EAT you and once again will have my precious soil."  
Vlakri made a Peep-face. "But it won't stay within you forever....what happens when you, er, get it back?"  
Alice frowned at him, hefting her doll meaningfully. "Well I don't have much of a choice now do I?"  
"Ewww....."  
"Shut up!"  
"So wait....." An attempt to scratch his head failed miserably. "Why didn't you just make me marshmallow Peep, instead of just making me LOOK like one?"  
Alice shrugged. "I don't like Peeps."  
Vlakri looked at the empty box on the floor, then back to Alice. "Oh. I get it."  
(That's 'cause you're brutally retarded, kid)  
A small crowd was beginning to form behind them, watching the extremely odd scene play out. The crowd consisted of a small, gray haired lady, a middle aged housewife-looking type with overly bouffant hair, and a greasy, overweight man with the word 'beer' on his shirt. He was, in a cruel twist of irony, carrying a pack of beer under one arm. Alice furrowed her brow. Her whole illusion of being a small, innocent child depended on acting the part, so eating a small pink bunny in dramatic sprays of blood while everyone looked on wouldn't be the wisest course of action if she wanted to keep up her hunting routine. She turned to the people wearing her 'I'm so cute don't you want to punch my tiny teeth in' look, hoping to cute them all right out of the store.   
(Can anyone guess what'll happen next?)  
Vlakri still looked too slippery to catch and carry to a place of privacy, still coated in her saliva as he was.  
(Ew....she was sucking on the Peep, remember? Before she spit it out into her hand. Yeah....there you go)  
She turned to the crowd and stuck one finger in her mouth coyly. "Could you all pweese-?"  
Her nauseatingly sweet plea was cut off as the gray haired grandma stepped up and punched Alice's tiny teeth in.  
(Hee hee, bet you didn't see THAT one coming. Violent old ladies=comedy)  
Alice lay on the ground cross eyed for a few minutes before reaching a hand hesitantly up to feel at her mouth. "My FANGS!  
(I wrote fnags. Hee hee, fnags)  
You knocked out my FANGS! You BITCH!!"  
The lady responded by bashing her across the face with her handbag for good measure, then stalking out of the store carrying her twelve pack of Trojans.  
(Eeek! She didn't pay!)  
Alice moaned through her broken jaw. She supposed death by slow starvation was second on her list of horrible, involved, painful ways to die. The Beer man knelt gently by her and cradled her bent head.  
"Eww, get away from me you lummox!" This was surprisingly articulate of Alice considering her severe facial lacerations.  
"Nawwww, girly, you needs life-giving BEER." With that he generously popped open a can and poured the contents down a protesting Alice's throat. Her face gradually turned purple, and as the world grew black around the edges, she had to admit death by beer she never saw coming.  
Vlakri watched the scene with detached amusement. He was still preoccupied with the fact that he was part Peep.  
(Hee hee, I never get tired of saying that word)  
His dark   
(Or rather marshmallow-colored)  
thoughts were interrupted by Bosterd scooping him up and wrapping him in plastic. "Guess this one's still good." Vlakri's protests were smothered in plastic.  
(For the exceedingly dim members of the reading audience: He's wrapped in plastic)  
Bosterd opened a handy drawer and took out a sheet of 'Quality Seal' stickers, plucking one off and attaching it to Vlakri's plastic wrappings.  
(He's wrapped in plastic, you see)  
Then he strolled over to the store's Easter shelf and plunked the desperately-trying-to-breathe Vlakri down. He leaned against the counter and once again happily absorbed himself in his girly magazine, oblivious to the ever-cold corpse on the floor in front of the beer freezer.   
  
Epilogue:  
  
Miyu walked out of her Junior High school building, for once in a hopeful mood. Today was Good Friday, and in the spirit of irony, she had made it a tradition to buy Larva an Easter present, more for the humor of it than an attempt to get him something he would actually enjoy. Each year she tried to make his gift progressively worse. The last year she had gotten him a giant stuffed chick. The look on his usually-stoic face still made Miyu smile. This year, she wasn't exactly sure how to out-do herself. Her current home wasn't exactly extensive in it's variety. It only possessed one or two shops worthy of the name, and one was more of a convenience store. She chose the latter, as quality wasn't exactly what was on her mind this day. She arrived at the store. Oddly enough, while she was pushing open the door, she caught the faint scent of human blood. 'Odd.'  
(Not really, if you think about it. Sorry Miyu. I'll be good)  
She shrugged and entered the store, her eyes going to the display of garishly decorated Easter treats. The display this year was pathetic, even if only in comparison with last year. In comparison with an Easter display in any other town, it was horrendously inadequate. But that's exactly what Miyu was seeking today. She passed up the stuffed rabbits and chicks, not wanting to be redundant.  
(I say nothing)  
She smiled again at a display of Cadbury's Eggs, not for any particular fondness. On the contrary, she despised them with a passion, but the year before Larva had surprised her with roughly five of them, in mutual irony of the religious holiday. Miyu had compounded their amusement by actually eating a few. She grinned openly, remembering Larva's deep laugh at her face. She decided a little revenge was in order, and picked up the most disgusting-looking package off foodstuffs there, some sort of sugar-coated animal. She couldn't imagine Larva trying to eat a pure marshmallow anything, but most certainly not something so garishly colored, and in the shape of little bunnies. She wondered how many of them she could make him eat....there was definitely a challenge in these little rabbits. The package contained twenty-four. Miyu was mentally wagering how many she could guilt Larva into eating as the same boy from the infamous night rung up her purchase. "That'll be $1.98 miss."  
(Ha! You see? Bosterd DID hate the little Pepsi gremlin! He overcharged her! Ahahaha such covert evilness....)  
Miyu absently paid the man and walked out of the store. She had the faintest suspicion of sensing Shinma....but it was so slight it might have just been her imagination.  
  
Miyu stepped out of her shoes and dropped her house key into a specially placed dish on the entrance table, closing the front door behind her. She dropped her schoolbag in the hall as she walked toward the kitchen table, her traditional spot for her Easter present to sit waiting Larva's attention. She noticed a brown overcoat and a pair of familiar sunglasses slung casually over the back of a chair. Sometimes it was necessary for Larva to go out, and having such an outfit usually helped avoid the most obvious attention. But that wasn't the only thing out of place. Larva himself was standing against the far wall with a faint smirk on his face. She noticed why after stepping into the kitchen and laying eyes on the table.  
"Peeps!"  
Larva grinned at her. "Happy Easter, Miyu."  
She mock-frowned at him. "Not fair."  
Larva raised a questioning eyebrow. "Oh? Why is that, Mistress?"  
Miyu pulled out her package and set it on the table next to his considerably bigger one.  
(Oh don't EVEN snicker you RAGING PERVS! Augghh, can't stop laughing! Didn't mean to be perverted....slipped out....hahhahahahaha!)  
Larva shook his head. "How cliché. Rather unoriginal, wouldn't you say? I had thought to give you more credit than that."  
Miyu raised her eyebrow at him. "It seems I've outdone you nonetheless. My package seems to contain MORE Peeps than yours."  
Larva gave her a very knowing and very smug smile. "Yes but mine's moving."  
Miyu's eyes widened and she saw that indeed Larva's package was twitching.  
(Arrgg shut up! All of you! Can't I even write a decent story without all of you twisting it? Geez...)  
She ripped open the plastic, tearing through the quality seal to see that the bundle was most definitely moving, and was most definitely Shinma. It glared up at her. She couldn't help smiling in spite of herself. "Aww, she's so cute though."   
The thing got an outraged look on it's face, and Larva approached the table to stare menacingly at it.   
"I'd be thankful if I were you. Her good graces are the only thing keeping you from being sealed to the Darkness. Be glad that you are in the company of the Guardian. You have her unique protection. That is, if she decides to keep you...?" Larva turned to look questioningly at Miyu.   
She glared good-naturedly at Larva. "Very well. I admit defeat. You win." She inclined her head. "But next year..."  
Larva bent over to kiss her hand with mock formality. "I accept your challenge, Vampire Princess."  
Vlakri groaned inwardly to himself, then settled into a gloomy silence. He had just realized he would never wear his glorious shoelaces again....  
~~~~~~  
  
AHAHAHA! How many of you saw THAT one coming?!? Well that's it folks! I assume you have at least a vague knowledge of Shiina, so I assume I could assume that you know his/her connection to Miyu. (In the TV series at least). And as for how he came to his name....Um....lemme think.... Aha:  
Miyu: Awww. I think I'll call her Xena! Like as in Warrior Princess. Like in Vampire Princess. I'm so clever...  
(Vlakri fumes over the loss of his man-tool)  
Larva: (points to pathetically stubby arms) She makes a pretty shitty Xena  
Miyu: Oh. Ok, how about Shiina? For Shitty Xena?  
(Larva grins dimly)  
(He knows the truth of Vlakri, but likes to torture the stupid thing. I'm not fond of Shiina, by the way)  
  
And now, for the first time in Heather's multi-chaptered stories....  
  
*THE END!*  
Ta da! I finished one! Well kids, what'd you think? And no, I haven't forgotten  
Very much thank you to:  
Princess Licorice: Don't worry, I haven't technically 'seen' the TV series either. I can't even remember what the symbolism was. I'd have to go back and read it again. And you should never be afraid of sounding stupid on my review boards....I eclipse all of you with my black hole of a brutally retarded self.  
Miyu: When should we set the date for the wedding? And of course you'll have to introduce me to your parents. They'll just love your choice....aww. If they balk, just let them read some of my writing. That will clear up any doubts they have. If all else fails, I can be described as 'special'  
  
Well goodbye kids. Thanks for sticking this out. I love most of you. (To say I love all of you would be a blatant lie.) I love all who reviewed, and nearly all who read. And if you feel like being chronically stalked, email someone (I don't know who) at arachniphiliac@yahoo.com. Also IM at 'arachniphiliac'. I live in California, to clear up any time-zone differences. That in the US (Yeah, I know. Go figure...)  
  
So BYE BYE kids.  
Keep smiling until you stop 


End file.
